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Topic Subject:Almost Anything STAR WARS Edition!
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Gen_Rhys_Dallows
Jedi Knight
posted 10-08-13 02:47 PM EDT (US)         
Welp. You know the deal. Pretty much anything Star Wars. The good, bad, and ugly. Mostly bad and ugly, though.



ARMY STRONG
"Rhys wins this thread." - Tsavong Lah | "Gen freakin wins." - Jon Rolos | "...Any mercenary force trained by you, Dallows, would be all kinds of awesome." - Flying Ace
Expanding Fronts Mod

[This message has been edited by Gen_Rhys_Dallows (edited 04-05-2018 @ 12:38 PM).]

AuthorReplies:
Farlander
Clone Trooper
posted 10-23-13 05:19 PM EDT (US)     211 / 1641       
And while I have the highest respect for Ebert and often agreed with reviews, that doesn't make him automatically right--he was totally wrong about Treasure Planet, for example.
"Nothing is true, everything is permitted" Basically, you are saying that everybody who you don't agree with is wrong, which is pure bullshit Just because you don't agree with them, doesn't make them wrong (nor does it make them right, it just means that you don't agree with them )
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-23-13 05:43 PM EDT (US)     212 / 1641       
Came across a picture on Wookieepedia (and don't worry, Part II of ANH is coming along). There's just something... disturbing to it. Aside from being Ahsoka, anyway.


Maybe it's the combination of evil eyes and innocent expression?

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
ISOmetric
Clone Trooper
posted 10-23-13 05:53 PM EDT (US)     213 / 1641       
Maybe it's the combination of evil eyes and innocent expression?
Really? I thought it was the flipping huge knife she's holding...

It's a long road that has no turning - It's never too late to mend.
The darkest hour is before the dawn, and even this war must end.


Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster - Widely considered the galaxy's best drink, the effects of which are like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

~\\*.. The Real McCoy ..*//~
Flying Ace
Clone Trooper
(id: Lord Vader672)
posted 10-23-13 06:07 PM EDT (US)     214 / 1641       
In place of a sword of light that can cut through anything and anyone...she has a knife. She never was very smart.

What was YOUR ME3 ending: Merge with Helios, Illuminati, or Tracer Tong?
"I feel like I just watched Dwayne Johnson beat a small disabled child. Except the disabled child is really an infant clone of Hitler. It's so painful to watch...but so glorious." - Cheapy
"The Rebels only have one rank: traitor." - Eothain
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-23-13 06:11 PM EDT (US)     215 / 1641       
...So you had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned Padme giving Nass an artillery shell?
I was being sarcastic.
Basically, you are saying that everybody who you don't agree with is wrong, which is pure bullshit Just because you don't agree with them, doesn't make them wrong (nor does it make them right, it just means that you don't agree with them )
Except that's not what I'm saying at all.
Maybe it's the combination of evil eyes and innocent expression?
Maybe it's the combination of evil eyes, innocent expression, sexual pose, and blatant phallic symbol?

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Flying Ace
Clone Trooper
(id: Lord Vader672)
posted 10-23-13 06:13 PM EDT (US)     216 / 1641       
Maybe it's the combination of evil eyes, innocent expression, sexual pose, and blatant phallic symbol?
...How old is she again?

What was YOUR ME3 ending: Merge with Helios, Illuminati, or Tracer Tong?
"I feel like I just watched Dwayne Johnson beat a small disabled child. Except the disabled child is really an infant clone of Hitler. It's so painful to watch...but so glorious." - Cheapy
"The Rebels only have one rank: traitor." - Eothain
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-23-13 06:16 PM EDT (US)     217 / 1641       
...Fourteen? Yeah, if I hear her called a "good role model" one more time...

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Flying Ace
Clone Trooper
(id: Lord Vader672)
posted 10-23-13 06:22 PM EDT (US)     218 / 1641       
Princess Leia in the slave outfit was a better role model

Obviously I'm joking...

What was YOUR ME3 ending: Merge with Helios, Illuminati, or Tracer Tong?
"I feel like I just watched Dwayne Johnson beat a small disabled child. Except the disabled child is really an infant clone of Hitler. It's so painful to watch...but so glorious." - Cheapy
"The Rebels only have one rank: traitor." - Eothain
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-23-13 06:28 PM EDT (US)     219 / 1641       
Leia was at least of age and forced into the slave outfit.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-23-13 06:46 PM EDT (US)     220 / 1641       
You mean like when the cat people forced Ahsoka into a slave outfit?

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-23-13 06:47 PM EDT (US)     221 / 1641       
Fortunately, I have no idea of the episode you're talking about, but I can't imagine how her regular outfit could be much more reduced.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
ISOmetric
Clone Trooper
posted 10-23-13 07:30 PM EDT (US)     222 / 1641       
Well, it's an improvement on the previous outfit...

It's a long road that has no turning - It's never too late to mend.
The darkest hour is before the dawn, and even this war must end.


Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster - Widely considered the galaxy's best drink, the effects of which are like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

~\\*.. The Real McCoy ..*//~
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-23-13 09:13 PM EDT (US)     223 / 1641       
"Did you find any droids?" Vader's diction sounds off. Almost... intoxicated.

"If there were any [droids] aboard, they must also have been jettisoned." Oh, so now we're willing to think of droids in escape pods?

You guys have suit radios. You don't need to get face-to-face and then bark, "There's no one here."

Man, that box looks heavy. And good thing the troopers didn't call for relief before going in. Might have caused a problem after the audible gunfire.

"I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneakin' around!" How are you still alive?

Luke's armor has some kind of smudge on it... pinkish. Who spilled Thousand Island dressing on the damn hero armor?

Notice how Chewie mocks Obi-Wan... despite, you know, having apparently met and fought alongside Jedi. Yoda, Ahsoka... well, maybe he went all Aforceist or something after his homeworld was conquered, his people enslaved...

Han's chest plate is hilariously warped from sitting like that. Makes him look like he has Pam Anderson's body under there.

She's not likely to be rich anymore, Luke. You flew through all of the crown jewels and royal gold reserves. Good thing Han is a moron.

Yeesh, Threepio... you didn't have to club Artoo over the head. Poor Kenny Baker.

I like the one officer that passes Han and Luke with Chewie. Not a second glance, just squeezes between them and the railing over the bottomless pit. So, for one, HOLY SHIT RAILINGS! And two... "Meh, just another Wook. Hope it didn't eat anyone I know."

Luke jitters like Tali when she wants to say something. But she's twice the man he could ever be.

I like how Han waves the officer out of the elevator. "Hey, you wanna be in here with that?"

Man, you two are missing that rampaging prisoner pretty horribly. Now the deck officer and all of the security are down because of your bad accuracy... you are why Stormtroopers have a shitty reputation.

How many Stormtroopers have such delicately feathered hair?

Hmm. Does Tarkin know Vader's true identity?

Couldn't even afford the fireworks for the wall breach in this scene.

Maybe she would like it back in her cell. At least no one was shooting at her in there. Yet.

Supposedly, you can see 9mm shell casings being ejected by the Sterlings. I havent' seen any, even with a screenshot someone took of a casing in mid flight. Must be a single-frame event.

You want to jump down that grate? Look at the jagged edges of molten metal! You'll be sliced to ribbons! "What the hell are you doing?!" is actually a pretty sensible reaction.

Maybe what Chewie smells is that dianoga that tries to kill Luke.

And Luke and Han both dive headfirst... but fortunately land ass-down. At least... Han landed ass-down; we don't know about Luke.

So, if the walls are magnetically sealed so the bolt will bounce all over... what did the bolt detonate again?

There's some kind of terrible creature down there... HEYODALEY!

Your GUN is jammed? That's not spacey at all! Your blaster's prismatic focuser malfunctioned!

"Help him! I'm going to stand way over here!"

*cough cough*
"What happened?!"
*cough cough*
"WHAT HAPPENED?!"
"LET ME GET THE SEWAGE OUT OF MY LUNGS!"

"Don't just stand there, try and brace it with something! I am going to try to lift a giant metal brace... that curiously moves like it's made of rubber or something."

Hey, you know... this actually shows pretty good design by the Imperial engineers. How useful of a compactor could it be if the crusher motors could be easily jammed, after all?

Ah, the Stormie head-strike... a funny background event that snuck past editing. But no, no, apparently whacking your head on low-handing doors is a genetic trait! Because we don't want comedy, WE WANT KOMEDY!

I like how Han is asked for an operating number, but the protocol droid in the gantry office (where protocol droids are not needed) isn't asked any questions.

"Get on top!" Han shouted to Leia. "Get on top of it!"
"I'm trying," Leia snapped, desperation coloring her words.
Slashfic or life-and-death situation?

Hey, remember that pink smudge I mentioned on Luke's armor? He now has a smear there... so, they shot the gantry scene afterward. And the discoloration wouldn't show up on film, but in ultra-high def (and I shudder to think about the Blu-Rays), you can see every defect, stain, and mark. Because that's what the fans want!

Apparently, Imperial officer caps block peripheral vision as Obi-Wan runs around the Death Star and several officers walk by behind him.

I do like adding the Aurebesh to the control panel.

"Listen, I dunno who you are, or where you came from. But from now on, you do what I tell you, 'kay?"
versus
"Without the viceroy the droids will be lost and confused."

"Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of the way."
Rather than Leia falling afoul by fridge logic, now she's screwed by the EU. And I don't mean that whole Leia/Mara OTP thing. "Walking carpet" has basically been retconned from being an off-the-cuff snark to a racial slur. So, Leia's a RACIST. Thanks EU!

"Give me regular reports, please."
Aww, how polite.

"What was that?"
"That's nothing; outgassing, don't worry about it."
...So even the battledroid lines in ROTS were shamelessly ripped off. God. Dammit. To. HELL.
That said, outgassing. A hint of science!

"What good will it do us if he gets himself killed?"
"...Well, you won't get retconned to be my twin brother to justify killing a love triangle."
"...GO GET 'EM, HAN!"

Why were extra Stormtroopers added?

Another case of an unfixed glitch. If you watch as Leia goes to shut the door, Luke shifts position. Obviously, he moved during the cut... but I guess that doesn't need fixing. You know what does, though? Not enough Naboo at the end of ROTJ. Fix the hell out of that shit. Oh, and the Gungan screaming "WESA FREE" was a joke from the sound editor. Lucas loved it so much he demanded they keep it in the final version.

Leia... maybe you should've mentioned the bridge before "lock the door."

LEIA DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES WHILE SHOOTING

For luck... good thing you don't believe in tongue luck.

Nova Stihl is one of those Stormtroopers stuck at the blast doors. Because... well, he is.

So, Vader is just standing in the corner of some corridor, lightsaber drawn... for who knows how long.

He even says, "I've been waiting for you."

"I was but the learner." Um, actually, you were a full-fledged Jedi Knight. Unless you mean you were Palpatine's apprentice (so then, a learner of evil)... but you're still his apprentice.

"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
"Tell that to all the other Jedi I've chopped up. INCLUDING YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE YOUNGLINGS."

"You should not have come back. I've made sure there's no high ground for you."

Nice trigger discipline, Luke. I'm surprised you haven't ventilated half of the corridor.

And Threepio's nowhere near the simpering twat he is in the PT. Maybe flanderizing him senseless as revenge for rejecting George's prized "key to all of this" wasn't such a good idea!

CHOP

Good thing Luke blew their quiet escape with screaming and gunfire. Well, now you get to fight a full squad of Stormtroopers and have caught the attention of a Dark Lord of the Sith.

"Blast the door, kid! Before the guy with the sword enters the gunfight!"

Hey, the Falcon turned like a spacecraft!

"Can't believe he's gone."
You've only known him, like... fifteen hours. A day at most.

HERE THEY COME

SHOOT THEM SHOOT THE REBEL SCUM! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! SWAG!

Another Moff fun fact, the combined rate of fire of a quadlaser cannon is 1152 rounds per minute. So, the Falcon can put out a respectable 2300 bolts per minute at Imperial fighters. Lancer-class frigates, with twenty quadlasers (same model, too!), can do 23,040. Yet, curiously, Lancers are supposedly worthless while the Falcon can shred furballs... in later works. In this, it's nearly wrecked against four fighters with orders to put on a show and let them be on their way. Hmm. Strange.

"Great kid, don't get cocky! I'm still celebrating from the one I shot down!"

And, curiously, despite Luke being the hero of the tale... it's Han who gets to fire the killing salvo. Because it helps to give the sidekicks their own moments.

Tracking devices and letting the heroes go... instead of just utter failure to hold them. What novel ideas. Are we sure this is part of the SW canon?

"If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive." Damn. Solo, she was offering you a chance to hook up that power coupling and you blew it.

And the jealousy routine... say, Han, how does it feel to have almost lost out to the twin brother?

SPACE IS LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD. Seriously, I think the approach into the planet is the loudest part of the film.

"We have no time for our sorrows, Commander."
...Well, got over that "what's left of everyone you know and love can fit into dimple of a golf tee" annoyance, I see.

FAKE WEDGE

Why did the special effects updates never fix the Death Star graphic? It doesn't have an equatorial beam.

"Princess Lee-uh." Douche.

Heh. The look on Han's face sells the long odds. Rather than some dry, hopelessly boring conversation that takes longer than the briefing proper...

Also, its worth noting that, at this point, only 24 minutes remain in the movie. Including the credits. Good pacing.

"Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity." Errr... what? So, what, just under escape velocity? Over escape velocity but fast enough to carry you a hyperbolic course?

"Attacking that battlestation that we just ran from ain't my idea of courage."

I still always get the initial impression that Han is being sarcastic with that "May the Force be with you."

"I wish Ben were here." Why, so he can lie to you some more? "And the key to lightsaber combat, Luke, is to hold the hilt in your teeth."

And Leia kisses her twin brother again... because she's always known.

Biggs! Guy we have no idea who you are because your introduction was cut!

"Are you qualified on this machine?"
"He's really good with his skyhopper... that he crashed..."
"You'll do fine! "

"Hang on tight, Artoo. You've got to come back."
Heh heh heh hehhhh...

Now, this a special effect fix I can get behind. The fighters coming out of the forest is much better than tiny glowing red dots zipping up to the sky.

"Estimated time to firing range: fifteen minutes." At time 105:12. Hmm...

Ah, the Red Squadron roll call... one of the few times Family Guy was funny. Or maybe I'm just overly amused by jokes about The Hunt for Red October. Perhapsh that ish the cashe.

"Look at the size of that thing."
"Oh, I'VE GOT BIG BALLS, YES I'VE GOT BIG BALLS..."

Damn, those fighters--with their several kilogravity accelerative abilities--are flying close.

Is that the thunderclap from the thunderstorm scene in Back to the Future?

If Porkins ejects, Biggs, where exactly is he going to go?

Range is now seven minutes, at 107:34. So, eight minutes in-universe, two minutes and twenty-two seconds on film. Well, better that than the other way, eh?

"Trust your feelings! Go for the princess!"

Enemy fighters coming your way... seven standard TIE Fighters. In the end, those seven fighters plus Vader will kill over two squadrons worth of Rebel pilots and planes. Kinda dents that whole "one X-Wing can take on entire wings of TIEs" thing from the EU and less-than-stellar RPers.

Lucky for Wedge that cockpit had fully vaporized and dispersed to a less than dangerous density. That would've been bad for him... and the Rogue Squadron books.

Alas, the poor Y-Wing. The Rogue Squadron and X-Wing series have all but neutered it.

Death Star in range in five minutes: 110:01. So, two minutes in universe, 2 minutes and 27 seconds on film. And the pendulum is starting to swing the other way.

"MY KILLS MINE MINE MINE GO GO GO MINE MINE MINE BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Three minutes to range. 111:17. So, two minutes in-universe and 1:16 on film. Back to time compression.

Was that a hint of Southern accent on Red Leader? "Hold up here and wait for mah signle"?

"Red Five, can you see them? Great! Now, can you do anything about them?"

TORPEDO LOS

Aww, you missed. If only there was a character we'd been following this entire movie that we're supposed to be rooting for somewhere in this battle.

"Stay there, I just lost my starboard engine!" Err, which one Dreis? You've got two starboard engines.

One minute to Rebel zapping range. 113:27. So, exact time for once.

"At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?"
...
"You've got something jammed in here real good, my friend."

Followed by, "Get clear, Wedge. You can't do anymore good back there." For a nearly sexless universe, this script is loaded with innuendo.

Bye, Biggs. We hardly knew ye... seriously.

Thirty seconds to zap time. 115:11 - 1 minute, 44 seconds film time elapsed. Time dilation is back in effect.

"I'm on the leader." Well, yeah, he's the only one left.

USE THE FORCE LUKE
LET GO, LUKE
"Of the stick?" *boom*

So, Vader's shots went low... under Luke's X-Wing. Then we see bolts track into Artoo, on top of the X-Wing. Without hitting the middle, seemingly explodey part of the X-Wing.

Then Artoo screams, and the Death Star clears the planet at 116:20. That allows for time compression from the first time mark (15 minutes), time dilation from the second (7 minutes, so 106 seconds over), still dilated from the five-minute mark (by 79 seconds), the three minute mark is also dilated (123 seconds!), 113 seconds of dilation for the one minute mark (or, nearly two-to-one), and from the thirty-second mark... 69 seconds of dilation, or over two-to-one.
So, from the above, I can only reach one conclusion... THIS MOVIE F**KING SUCKS OMGWTF THIRTY SECONDS IS THIRTY SECONDS

Well, the Death Star is all lined up. It's up to Luke... and Master Chief Gunnery Officer Tenn Graneet. Of course, the Rebel propaganda services would never say they survived due to the conflicted conscience of an Imperial gunner.

Vader lines up the shot, he fires... AND HIS WINGMAN EXPLODES! Well, that's great and all... but what about that stream of laser fire he sprayed at Luke's oh-so-very locked-on X-Wing? Well, I guess because the camera angle didn't allow for showing impact, they just vanished off-frame.

"Stand by... stand by." The last words of a hero.

And there goes 2.4 million men and women--yes, there were women on the Death Star. Architects, officers, some prisoners on work-for-parole programs... over 840,000 people listed simply as "passengers." Not troops, not support staff... at the very least, they deserved not to have their doom ruined by a silly planar shock ring.

Hmm. Does he say "Hey!" or "Carrie!"? You decide.

R2 looks like he did... well, after running around the outside of the Naboo cruiser. They never did explain how he got so filthy transitioning from space (where he was clean) to the inside of the ship.

Since I haven't actually seen Triumph of the Will, I can't try using lines from it. But yes, the heroic celebration is modeled on Nazi propaganda... so, everyone is SW is at least a little bit Nazi. Imps get the uniforms, Rebels get the moral certitude, mysticism, and undying belief in The Final Victory.

Yes, yes... clap extras. Right after you're done mocking the stars while they walked up the aisle and ruining take after take. Well, they showed you, eh? At least... Harrison Ford showed you.

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-23-13 10:27 PM EDT (US)     224 / 1641       
"I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneakin' around!" How are you still alive?
And isn't he supposed to be a rogue? There goes the RPG system.
She's not likely to be rich anymore, Luke. You flew through all of the crown jewels and royal gold reserves. Good thing Han is a moron.
You know...that never actually occurred to me.
Luke jitters like Tali when she wants to say something. But she's twice the man he could ever be.
"Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of the way."
Rather than Leia falling afoul by fridge logic, now she's screwed by the EU. And I don't mean that whole Leia/Mara OTP thing. "Walking carpet" has basically been retconned from being an off-the-cuff snark to a racial slur. So, Leia's a RACIST. Thanks EU!
Seriously? On both counts.
And Threepio's nowhere near the simpering twat he is in the PT. Maybe flanderizing him senseless as revenge for rejecting George's prized "key to all of this" wasn't such a good idea!
I happen to like OT Threepio. Plus Anthony Daniels is a really nice guy.
"Can't believe he's gone."
You've only known him, like... fifteen hours. A day at most.
BUT HE'S THE MENTOR! THE MONOMYTH SAYS SO!
Tracking devices and letting the heroes go... instead of just utter failure to hold them. What novel ideas. Are we sure this is part of the SW canon?
Give it time; Lucas hasn't realized he needs to retcon it into gross incompetence yet.
And Leia kisses her twin brother again... because she's always known.
They certainly could have spared a lot of awkwardness by leaving that line out of RotJ.
"Look at the size of that thing."
"Why so defensive, Joker?"

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-24-13 08:30 AM EDT (US)     225 / 1641       
Seriously? On both counts.
...The Leia/Mara thing was a joke. Or was there something else in there?

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-24-13 12:50 PM EDT (US)     226 / 1641       
I meant turning Leia's obviously off-the-cuff remark into a racial slur.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-24-13 12:54 PM EDT (US)     227 / 1641       
Yes... but you mentioned two issues. Was my shipping the other? I figured making Leia a racist by changing the meaning of her remark was one.

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-24-13 12:58 PM EDT (US)     228 / 1641       
Yes, I was wondering if some EU work had decided to make that shipping canon--because I wouldn't put it past the EU, at least half of which is glorified fanfic.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-24-13 01:04 PM EDT (US)     229 / 1641       
In fairness, aside from numerous fanfics across the Internet, there were some joking, off-the-cuff remarks from a panel of SW novelists. Alcohol was involved. But yeah, Lucas Licensing isn't about to permit Mara and Leia to be intertwined in the throes of Sapphic passion. That said, I still think there may have been something--even if temporary--more than friendship between Leia and Winter. But my usual Leia player doesn't wish to countenance that. He must be a secret operative for George.

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-24-13 01:25 PM EDT (US)     230 / 1641       
Didn't they grow up like sisters? Not that that stopped her with Luke.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-24-13 01:33 PM EDT (US)     231 / 1641       
I'm fairly certain there never a hint of biological or step-relation. Just very close, very dear friend. I'm not saying it should be anything incredibly sordid (because I don't write SW erotic fanfic ). Maybe not even necessarily physical.

But meh; that's why we have Mass Effect. Shep/Liara, MShep/Kaidan, MShep/Cortez or Shep/Traynor aren't treated as weird and aberrant (or titillating)... except by the fanbase. Just people finding each other.

While in SW, all romance is destiny. And invariably heteronormative. And leads to misery, woe, sorrow, and bloodshed on a galactic scale.

EDIT: Or it's creepy:
Anakin Solo: "Well, I don't think it's so strange that you had a dream with me in it. After all, we met last night right before you went to sleep."
Tahiri: "Don't flatter yourself. You're not so terrific that I'd have a dream about you for no reason."
HE'S ELEVEN AND SHE'S NINE!

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology

[This message has been edited by Moff (edited 10-26-2013 @ 08:47 AM).]

Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-27-13 10:51 AM EDT (US)     232 / 1641       
...Well, I guess this answers a question.
Breha Organa had at least five miscarriages, despite receiving treatment from the best fertility doctor in the Galactic Republic.[1] Eventually, her doctors informed her that another attempt to conceive would probably kill her.[2]
The part tagged with a 1 comes a TCW novel. Yeaaaaaaah.

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-27-13 11:06 AM EDT (US)     233 / 1641       
Again, SW medicine sucks. Though after watching "Tears of the Prophets" the night before last, apparently ST has fertility problems too--admittedly in this case it's because the mother is a Trill and the father is a Klingon...Speaking of which, Ezri Dax is adorkable. She reminds me of ME1 Liara. But I still miss Jadzia.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-27-13 11:13 AM EDT (US)     234 / 1641       
Nicole de Boer was the model for one of my characters in SW Unity... the daughter of my two mains.

And now that Zaarin has graciously posted... EMPIRE REVIEW! I should warn those with weak hearts, Puritanical sensibilities, or just low tolerance for running gags about promiscuity and incest... jeez, this is getting awkward. Anyway, I didn't put the damn love triangle in the script. I just commented on it.

Well, they remastered the Fox Fanfare. Unlike in ANH.

"Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth."
I'm reminded of an old George Carlin routine. "If crimefighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires... what do freedom fighters fight?"

Now, again, this is ROTS-tie-in SE ESB. So, Palpy has gained a ton of weight and the dialog between him and Vader has been rewritten. That'll be important, actually... since the title crawl said Vader is hunting for Luke.

Probots. Damn, I wish I could make them work better in KSP.

Hmm, so here, Luke's comlink squares are blue, red, red, red.

"Ya smell somethin'?"
That always struck me as almost condescending... while in the novelization, Luke is actually worried given the keen senses of his mount. Not that it matters in either case as he gets a facefull of yeti whether worried or dickish.

Chewie didn't seem like he was losing his temper. I mean, Han's arms are attached... that welding tool wasn't jammed through a cranial orifice...

Jeez, Leia... smolder at him any harder and you'll melt the damn base.

THAT TECHNICIAN HAD IMPERIAL CODE CYLINDERS IN HER POCKET! IMPERIAL SPY! IMPERIAL SPY!

"With all of the meteorites in this system, it's going to be difficult to spot approaching ships."
Hmm. That might answer one of my long-held problems.

"General, I gotta leave. I can't stay anymore. I need to renew my license with the Department of Redundancy Department. My credentials have expired and require renewal."

"A death mark is not an easy thing to live with." Is General Rieekan a master of dry wit, or did George personally write his dialog?

"Well, Your Highness. I guess this is it."
"That's right."
...Okay, Leia, I told you to tone down the smoldering... not go full-on Liquid Helium Ice Queen Bitch of the Universe.

Aww, she hurt his widdle feewings.

And now they express their feelings in the South Passage. As opposed to the previous week, when... oh, they expressed their feelings in Leia's South Passage.

"I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee."
We all know you did after Yavin. That's why he didn't get a medal. <_<

"It's supposed to be freezing! How we are supposed to dry out all of her clothes, I have no idea..."
So, you're telling me living quarters are ice-walled... either no one showers or changes clothes in Echo Base, or someone didn't think their off-screen comedy through very well.
Or it was supposed to set up Leia prancing around in the bare minimum clothing required by censors... while the audience gets a couple clear indicators as to just how cold Echo Base really is. >_>

"What do you mean, 'Nobody knows'?"
-NOBODY KNOOOOOOWS
THE TROUBLES I'VE SEEN
-She's a bass!

"Have you seen Commander Skywalker?"
"It's possible he came in the South Entrance."
"...WHAT?! THAT TWO-TIMING SLUT! She never lets me come in the South Entrance!"

...Is that green-brown-yellow smear on the wall supposed to be tauntaun shit?

Shouldn't Luke have had a brain hemorrhage from being upside so long? I guess the Will of the Force caused the midichlorians to keep the blood evenly distributed through his body.

Why did you reach with your distant arm first, Luke?

So, he slashes at his feet... aaaand somehow is free? With both feet intact and individually freed despite having been frozen into a single block of ice.

CHOP

So, that Wampa makes a return in Darksaber. Luke finally kills it, along with his that-author-only girlfriend, Callista. After we are treated to lovingly detailed accounts of rampaging wampas attacking the survivors of a hunting party that Luke and Callista fall in with and tearing them into bloody rags.

Mark Hamill's grunts and groans as he falls over, gets up, and falls again make him sound constipated.

I wish the costume designers could've at least tried to put together some kind of coherent rank insignia system for the Rebel uniforms.

"He's quite clever, you know. For a human being."
Sure. He got Leia to let him come in the South Entrance. On the other hand, right now, he's almost frozen dead and is talking to the guy who got cut in half in the last movie... which, by the way, was apparently fatal that time. But, fret not... it's not the imaginings of a brain starved of warm blood. He really was chatting up ghosts!

You know, as I watch Han gut an animal with full view of its entrails bursting forth, I realize that Revenge of the Sith, A New Hope, and Empire form a trilogy of their own. It's the "really not for kids" trilogy. Of course, ROTS still had baby-level storytelling...

Poor Zev. Next time we see you, you're seconds away from getting blasted into goo to be hosed out of the wreckage of your speeder.

I hate gundarks in Galactic Battlegrounds. But bursas are much worse.

Please... scruffy? Harrison Ford is so clean-cut in this film... though I suppose Nick Stahl hadn't entered films yet to provide a proper baseline for "dirtball scruff."

And Luke merrily savors the taste of twin sister's lips again. With a bit of tongue! And remember... "I've always known."

Chewie appears to be mocking the PA announcements... which is oddly hilarious.

"Take it easy. Seriously, kid... your pants aren't leaving anything you're thinking about to the imagination."

"It isn't friendly." See, originally, they overheard it vaporizing a Rebel recon outpost. Now it just looks like Han has magical script-reading powers. Or a prejudice against droids with speech impediments.

And now...

Oh yes...

IMPERIAL MARCH FOR THE FIRST TIME

We see the majestic underside of a Star Destroyer's bridge tower... but... what's this? A shadow passing across the form of this leviathan? Whatever could it...

It...

Ohhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy.

QUIET, HITLER. Be nice to Colonel Kontarsky.

So, here, Vader explictly mentions "Skywalker is with them," showing us, again, his personal interest in Luke. By the way, we're only about twenty minutes into the film.

Julian Glover wasn't much of a Bond villain... but I'll still watch For Your Eyes Only to see General Veers.

"AAGH DAMMIT CHEWIE I JUST GOT THOSE RIBS PUT BACK TOGETHER"

A fleet of Star Destroyers coming out of hyperspace in Sector 4. BECAUSE HITLER IS CLUMSY AND STUPID

So, General Rieekan... would you say you need to...
Hold the line?

So, I've always wondered why coming out of lightspeed "too close" allows the Rebels the chance to prepare their defenses, while coming in further out would... not. But recall the comment about meteorites. If they'd decanted earlier, they would've appeared like a meteor storm... but now they're obviously far too close to be mistaken for space rocks, so now the Rebels had the chance to ready themselves. Plot hole: closed.

Seems like Darth needs to choke a bitch.

Watch Piett's reaction as Ozzel is choked... he flashes a brief smile, mixed with horrified grimaces. It's been since retconned that he engineered making that report earlier, waiting till Vader was in earshot since Ozzel was going to dismiss it out of hand.

The medium repeating blasters (the metal tubes on tripods) have a rate of fire of 192 rounds per minute.

FEUER FREI

YAAAAAAAY! Let's drop what we're doing readying this evacuation and holding action to raise our fists triumphantly in the air! When you consider twenty-three evac transports were shot down by the tightening Imperial net... maybe a little less celebrating and a bit more work could've saved well over 7,000 Rebel lives.

Thoompa... thoompa... DOOM APPROACHETH

Now, the problem with the EU is they have the Rebels and Rogues in particular fighting AT-ATs well before this battle. But it's pretty clear this is the first time Luke tried the cable trick... even though, because it was in the movie, it's also the only way to kill them in the canonical games (in the first Rogue Squadron, at least, you could kill AT-ATs with blaster fire, but required hundreds of hits and took several minutes. And in all levels they appeared in, save one, AT-ATs applied strong time pressure to destroy them before they wiped out a mission-critical target).

Wow, that was quite the explosion near those infantrymen... and none of them so much as flinched. Or reacted at all.

And down goes a speeder.

Hmm. One speeder had gray markings, the other red. Now a speeder with red markings off Luke's wing was knocked down.

So long, Dak. Or Dack? Which is it?

YOUR SATELLITE DISHES OF DOOM MEAN NOTHING TO IMPERIAL WALKERS, PUNY REBELS

Why did Wedge get busted down to Rogue 3 from Red Two? What makes Zev so great?

Blargh. That embarrassing end could've been avoided so easily. But, according to some previous Rebel players, putting wire cutters on AT-AT legs is "unfair" and "cheating." <_<

So, Wedge strafes the walker... as Rebel infantry charge at it. Canonically, there's a Rebel soldier killed in the explosion that Wedge caused. Not very nice of him to die like that and besmirch the only three-time redshirt who survives. >_>

"I see it, Wedge. Good work. That's one less person to evacuate."

"Do take good care of yourself. Last time you were up there, you came back deep-fried."

SO MANY SHABOOMZ AND SHABAMZES! It is glorious! This, George, is how tension is generated. Not with "Oh, a room full of enemy soldiers? Not a problem!" But with showing the heroes getting their balls kicked up to their ears once in a while to remind us that the villains are a serious and credible threat. You too, Star Trek.

Hmm. I guess Luke's speeder had the gray markings.

Jeez, Han, can't you take a hint? She wants Luke. How many times does a girl have to tell you to GTFO before you bugger off?

So, apparently, the guy on the PA saying, "Imperial troopers have entered the base!" is now Mon Mothma's son. Because hey, what's a little plot incest next to the actual incest in the romance plot? And yet, Lena Headey isn't even in this movie...

"Begin retreat! Fall back! Fall back!" Yeah, when your aircover is headed away from the enemy... it's time to leave.

That poor Imperial pilot. He just had to go to the bathroom and wanted to read a skin mag while he did... and he ends up with a grenade at his feet.

One-seven-decimal-two-eight. Well... if that's supposed to be in kilometers, there's a bit of a glitch. However, it's one I'm inclined to let go, unlike other stuff that makes a horrible hash of things in the EU or PT. But anyway, the glitch is that Hoth is 7200 kilometers in diameter (and, to have the heavy gravity that it supposedly does, needs to be made of materials denser than silver... without taking into account the ice/silicate crust) and the cockpit of an AT-AT walker is a little less than 17 meters up. Unfortunately, the horizon at that height is 10,950 meters away.

On the other hand, the AT-ATs are attacking from the North Ridge. So, if there's enough of a height difference from the ridge to the location of the shield generator... maybe? It would only require the ridge be 25 meters or so higher...

Hot damn, this review is letting me stitch up all the problems I used to think I had with ESB!

The destruction of the power generator might one of the rare cases where Curtis Saxton's fanwank of multikiloton vehicle guns could work.

NO SYNTHETICS ALLOWED. Oh, wait, they're "droids."

Nobody gonna break mah stride
Nobody gonna tear me down
I know, I got to keep on movin'...

"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart... UNLIKE YOU! OH!"

Poor E-Web gunner. And apparently, that huge assembly of a gun weighs only as much as an M2 Browning heavy machine gun. Oh, and has one-sixth the effective range and 5/68ths the maximum range and half the rate of fire. And that's why, in my RPG, I was going to issue Ma-Deuces to Imperial Army troops in defensive positions as anti-infantry emplacements.

In the novel, when Luke suggests haring off to Dagobah, R2 tries to roundaboutly ask if he's insane due to head trauma.

MOAR IMPERIAL MARCH! SHOOT ZEM; SHOOT ALL OF ZE REBEL SCUM!

Damn. High speed collision between two Star Destroyers isn't enough to destroy them... yet, in a later comic, tractoring up a traffic control tower too forcefully hopelessly cripples an ISD. And leads to crash into a heavily-populated planetary city. Why did it tractor that tower? Oh, Han tricked the operator into it while attempting to grab the Millennium Falcon. But it's okay, the guy that sold Han out to the Imperials owned the tower and was in it at the time, so Han got away and the traitor and the Imperials perished in a massive fireball when the mile-long starship smashed into the city and exploded! YAY HEROES!

That asteroid field is ridiculously dense. It's harder to hit asteroids for survey missions than it is to pass through its entire length unmolested.

Why the roll? Why not just nose down if we're using airplane physics? Oh, yeah, Han is teh ase pilotzor. That means unnecessary flourishes that could actually expose you to more fire!

"Excuse me, Ma'am, but... where are we going?"
"Da fuq should I know?" is the expression on the ma'am's face.

Uh oh... does anyone else hear banjo music coming from the swamp? And something that sounds like the squealing of a pig... but not quite?

R2, why not use your rockets? Oh, right, because those were lazily retconned in when R2 needed to fly somewhere in AotC. Because, you know, tweaking the set design would just be inconceivable! Much better to think R2 had all of these handy parts and... just got rid of them!

I'm pretty sure that's droidspeak for "F**k you, you're crazy."

This is another scene Plinkett touches on while reviewing the lackluster editing of the prequels. The blocking of the scene showing separation between a normal man and what Vader has become, showing Vader in a moment of vulnerability while showing us something important about his character...

"Let go, please!"
"Don't get excited!" *doesn't let go*
"Captain, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited." *Han is still holding*
"Sorry sweetheart." *finally pushes Leia away* "We ain't got time for anything else."
SEXUAL HARRASSMENT IS ROMANCE

Something familiar about Dagobah?
Grover the Muppet (off-screen): "Feel like what?"
Luke: "Like we're being watched!"
...So, the familiar thing is being watched, or... what? I mean, you're a kid from a desert planet. What the hell about a swamp is familiar to you?

Well, at least Luke shows he's easygoing when he's not about blow a muppet's head off.

...Yoda takes a bit of Luke's... meatstick (oh God I'm sorry so very sorry )... only the puppet's mouth never fully touches it. Obviously, you don't want your prop food smeared all over the puppet's internals, but, would it have been so hard to bite off a chunk, cut, shake it out of the puppet's mouth, then roll camera and do the chewing?

"Aww, cannot get your ship out." Troll level: Jedi Master.

The scene with the flashlight is very insensitive to those of us with Attention Deficiet ROBOT-MUPPET FIGHT

"Yoda! You seek Yoda!"
"You know him? HOW?! Are you his muppet servant or something? Oh God... does he have some kind of sick midget fetish...?"
"...Yourself, you can go f**k. OFF OF MY PLANET, YOU WILL GET!"

"You could be a little nicer."
You've been nothing but a dick to her. You haven't earned any nice moments from her.

"You're trembling."
IT'S LIKE POETRY THEY RHYME

"I happen to like nice men. Like Luke!"

Threepio: Galactic cockblocker.

Man, these holograms have shitty resolution compared to the ones on starfighters in the prequels... or the hologram in the next fricking scene. Couldn't be bothered to touch that up, or tone down the chat with the Emperor?

Damn, Palpy, you're chunky. How did you lose so much weight in a year? How many pantaloon sizes did you drop?

"I have no doubt that this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker."
"How is that possible?"
Well, Darth, when two outwardly attractive people are forced together by hideously contrived romance plots, and they both like strutting around in leather outfits...

But seriously, remember the title crawl and Vader's comment on the Executor. He is actively seeking Luke Skywalker. He even knows his name. Vader is lying to Palpatine in this scene, feigning his shock that the kid that blew away the Death Star is his child. Of course, because the new dialog for this scene was written well into George's "control freak hack writer" phase, when Vader asks "how is that possible," what with his wife being buried while seemingly nine months pregnant, Palpy steals his line from later: "Search your feelings, you will know it to be true." Because, hey, coming up with something new to say--or even a real explanation--is just so damn much work!

That said, I have no issue with touching up the glowing-eyed ape mask voiced by Clive Revill with the actor who would go on to play the character in the next film. I just wish they put in more effort with making him look like he does in the next film.

So, does Artoo not recognize Yoda?

"I cannot teach him," not "Teach him, I cannot."

"I can be a Jedi! See, I can smash my head open and die right here and now! I can die pointlessly just like Qui-Gon!"

Obi-Wan was reckless when he dove after Zam Wesell's probe droid... other than that, he was the boring and orthodox Jedi. So much for "So was I, if you'll recall."

KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
ALLE MÄDELS MÜSSEN WARTEN
KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
DER BEFEHL IST DA, WIR STARTEN
KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
DIE LOSUNG IST BEKANNT
RAN AN DEN FEIND
RAN AN DEN FEIND
BOMBEN AUF ASTEROID!

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA

Bit of a delayed scream, Leia.

Gee, good thing the temperature and pressure outside the ship is comparable to human norms. Otherwise the ship would decompress... they would experience severe physical discomfort... I mean, they're less thermally protected than on Hoth.

"Doesn't feel like rock."
But it wasn't a rock
IT WAS A ROCK... MONSTAH

Leia, you've been EATEN BY A GIANT MONSTER

"The cave is collapsing!"
It... doesn't really look like a cave at that point. That said, why couldn't Han put down somewhere else on the asteroid?

"Yes, run! And do the flip again! Need that you will for lightsaber combat! Prance about like a drunken ballet dancer you must!"

"Is the Dark Side stronger?"
"No, no, no."
I dunno; you get your ass beat pretty hard by the Dark Side last time you went up against it.

"Mmm. Just asked about the nature of the Dark Side you did. Into the place that reeks of the Dark Side, you must go! Mmm-hmm hmm hmm hmm!"

So, what would have happened if Luke had neglected his lightsaber? Or just brought his pistol? Would it have been him in Stormtrooper armor? Had he gone in unarmed, would he simply have had a stern discussion with Ghost Vader?

That said, it is worth nothing that Luke draws his blade first... and then Ghost Vader's second attack lands very low on Luke's blade. In fact, it's not on the blade at all; it catchs the hilt and seems to cut across the top of Luke's hand. Oww.

NO DISINTEGRATIONS
IZ YEW WESH.
Dammit, accents aren't genetic.

Hey, there you go... let go of the controls while under bombardment from a battleship! We all know how important dramatic gesturing is!

STARSHIPS DO NOT BANK LIKE THAT UNLESS YOU'RE SETH GREEN

That's... awfully formal of the XO. "Yes, Captain Needa" instead of just "Yes, Captain." I think Needa knows who he is... maybe it was for the audience in case they missed the communications tech calling him?

"No! No different! Only different in your mind! ...Size matters not!"
That has opened the floodgates on more heinously ridiculous bullshit the Expanded Universe than the coddling of your collective human teats--no, wait... well, anyway, it did open the doors to Luke casually Forcing around black holes and the entire The Force Unleashed project.

"For my ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you, here... between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship."
Even being generous... the rock and ship are not alive.

Now, remember, size matters not... but note the concentration Yoda must use--with his eight centuries of experience dulled by a comparatively mere two decades of inactivity--and his weariness after pulling the ship out. Perhaps your expectations on the new guy are a bit much?

Or maybe he's just pissed at Obi-Wan. "Teach you nothing, did he? Terrible luck with Skywalkers, he has--err, I mean..."

Jeez, Suba... scowl any harder? (The lieutenant standing next to Piett, if you're not up to date on your later-named background extras )

Wow! Look at the angle that ISD flew by at! Three dimensional space!

That's all garbage produced aboard a Star Destroyer. WTF are they doing?!

MAH BACKPACK'S
GOT JETS
'CUZ I'M BOBA
THE FETT
I BOUNTY HUNT FOR JABBA HUTT
TO FINANCE MAH 'VETTE

"Han? LEIA!!! IN THE SOUTH ENTRANCE?!!"

And here goes Yoda gain, telling another Skywalker to let his friends and love interest die. You learned really well, didn't you?

"See? My friend. I told you I had a black friend!"
"That still doesn't change what you said on Hoth being horrible."

And Leia grins ear-to-ear at Han's jealously.

"Yeah, I'm responsible these days... responsible for selling out your ass into the Empire's hands! OH!"

"E chu ta!"
Star Wars has bowderlizations for nearly every curse in the English language. And yet, we can't get a straight translation on what that droid said... simply that it "wasn't very nice."

That is the grumpiest-sounding Stormtrooper ever.

Random wind chimes in the corridor near Chewie?

"You must not go! Last time one of you little f**ks went off over some vision, THE GODDAMN EMPIRE WAS FORMED!"

Obi-Wan has a point, Luke. I mean, sure, you can lift some small rocks and a robot... but the guy want to take on supposedly trained a guy to pull Star Destroyers out of orbit, drag them along the ground, and stop them at his feet. And all he had to do to do it was play some stupid little button-mashing minigame!

Uh-oh. Luke made a promise. He'll be dead in twenty minutes.

"Only a fully-trained Jedi Knight, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor." Err... so what are you? An untrained n00b? Or was the whole twenty-year wait so Palpatine would hopefully be too feeble to use a lightsaber? But then, age didn't stop Yoda... oh PT, your abilities to turn our wise old sages into rambling imbeciles cannot be bounded.

Vader didn't really choose the quick and easy path... did he? I guess he wanted to gain more power quickly to save his wife, but he did have a good deal of time pressure. Well, I guess Luke shouldn't have been so reckless and gone up against the Death Star before he was ready. He should've waited, trained more... until he was sure he could control the torpedoes with his mind!

"And sacrifice Han and Leia?"
"If you honor what they fight for, yes."
Again, Yoda... that didn't work so well last time, did it?

"If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere."
Reference to Splinter of the Mind's Eye?

DAMMIT LUKE STOP PROMISING YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IF YOU KEEP THAT UP

"No, there is another."
But apparently, this DOESN'T refer to Leia? Or... it does... but then it doesn't when we need another superJedi to come out for a project. I dunno, Lucas Licensing has waffled on that point so many times that the line is meaningless.

So, a friend of mine notes that Leia's new outfit has a splash of color, while in the last film and on Hoth, she wore all white. This was to represent her "purity." As in, "she's a virgin." Well... now her costume is a little different, eh? Looks like Han finally got to canonically express himself in the South Passage. Or maybe Chewie. Or Threepio. Which then raises the issue of the what the red color symbolizes...

See, if someone had said, "Nobody has seen or knows anything about what happened to Jar Jar, and he's been gone too long to have gotten lost," well... the reaction would be raucous cheering. That's why George is grumpy with his fans.

Why is IG88 painted white and in the junkpile?

KEEP AWAY, KEEP AWAY

And so continues the proud Star Wars tradition of bringing corpses home. Oh God, do you think George was trying to reference this bit with Anakin's mother...? Did he try to put her back together? Oh God...

"Having trouble with your droids?"
"No, no problem. We routinely blow him apart! Why?"

"Things have developed that will ensure security. I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out here forever."
Oh, Lando... you may be smooth, but you are not smart.

"Sup bitches? Nice gun you have there; mind if I take a look?"

HI I AM A BIT CHARACTER WHO BECAUSE OF FAN REACTION TO MY COSTUME HAS BECOME RIDICULOUSLY OVERBLOWN IN IMPORTANCE!

Man, that had to be an awkward dinner. And... what did Vader even do there, just stare at everyone?

See that blast point on Threepio's chest? That's what blew his legs off?

"That was never a part of our deal!"
"Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?"
"...No."
See, on paper... that's just awful. It's Williams and Jones' deliveries that make it drip menace.

So, for being a master mechanic... why did Chewie immediately put Threepio's head on backwards? Although, his laughter suggests more than a little intent to it...

"I feel terrible."
Just wait till the next movie. Then you'll act terrible, too.

"Why are they doing this?"
FOR EVULZ. But it's nice someone, at some point, asks.

...How does Lando know Luke is on his way?

Leia, he's just been tortured silly and now he's been beaten. Save the quips for later?

And why is Leia back in her Hoth outfit? No pretty dresses in prison?

Han is going to the gallows... and all Threepio can think about is himself. I know it's supposed to lighten the mood a bit, but it comes off as horribly selfish.

"When you say, 'take care of her'... you mean...?"
"Wha--NO!"

Great ad-lib by Ford.

READY THE GIANT TONGS OF GRABBING

Aww, Chewie putting his arm around Leia... it's little subtle things that make a scene. Not camera-A, camera-B soap opera blocking and restricting everyone to fifteen feet of track meaning the best pace they can manage is "brisk walk."

And so Artoo nearly gets Luke's head blown off. AND STOP HUMPING LUKE'S LEG

Ah, there's Lieutenant Boba Fett Out of Costume. Or Captain, if he's Imperial Army.

"IT'S A TRAP!"
Yeah, that's right... Leia said it first.

And again, Luke ignites his blade first... while Vader calmly and casually crosses their blades. Troll level: Sith Lord.

According to the EU, Stormtroopers don't usually surrender easily. There isn't even an order given to drop their weapons, from the guards or the officer. Hrrrm.

"Keep it quiet. We don't want the other 38,000 Stormtroopers in the city to know we just detained six of them. I just hope they forget that they have helmet comlinks capable of orbital communications and so would very likely be capable of contacting nearby..."

CHEWIE! Stop! That's not David Carradine!

...Or maybe it is. Oh, no, he's just trying to say "Han." Badly.

"He's only a Wookiee."
DAT'S RAAAAAAAAAACIST

How handy that Artoo was there. And now Threepio is saying "Han" wrong!

Remember when I mentioned this in the Attack of the Clones review? Yeah... a last desperate attempt to save the love interest versus, uh, IT'S LIKE POETRY THEY RHYME.

Not much of a surprise, Luke. And he's been toying with you, taking it easy...

Why did Vader grunt in pain from having a pipe full of fog shoved at his helmet? If it's that hot or cold, Luke should be seriously injured. If it's that high pressure, well... YOU HAVE A GODDAMN AIRTIGHT HELMET AND FACE MASK.

And Vader falls off... I think that pissed him off given what happens next. Now we start getting dangerous.

I like how the pressure equalizes immediately after Luke goes out the window.

And I like how you can clearly see the pyrotechnic charge on the Stormtrooper before Leia shoots him.

WRONG HOLE, ARTOO

"I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal."
Err... would it really take up that much memory to have a guide to standard interfaces? Especially since a droid might have use for a power socket, such as recharging?

And now, faced with never seeing the loves of their lives again, the Stormtroopers futilely fire at the Millennium Falcon in hopes of getting it to stop and surrender their beloved. Or did George actually compare his Perfect Padme Peacepants, Senator (D-Naboo) to Imperial Stormtroopers?

Yeah, playtime is over. Now Vader's out to get you.

Luke, you seem like you needed a hand with that fight.

Prowse's gestures don't quite match the intensity of Jones' dialog... during the whole "join me" part. It gets better with "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side."

ZOMG SPOILERS
DARK VATER IS LUKE STARKILLERS FATHER OMGOMG

Your airtight helmet is... kinda wobbly in the airstream, Darth. As if it's some kind of plastic prop on a movie set!

Good thing you had those knees to catch yourself on, Luke. You don't seem like you have the upper body strength to catch yourself one-handed and then pull yourself up.

"Ben! Ben, please!"
"I told you I'm not coming, you little shit!"

Nice bank around the cloud. Err, that wasn't a pun.

Come on, guys, you couldn't even color-match the Executor in the inserted scene to the way it looks in the rest of the damn trilogy?

Hmm. Three TIE Fighters is enough to seriously worry about. That's a far cry from "Meh, the the Falcon can take on a dozen squadrons before getting scratched!"

And awkardly edited RotJ footage that uselessly breaks up the tense chase scene...

"Star Destroyer!"
OMG LEIA IT IS STAR DREADNOUGHT OMFG CURTIS SAXTON SAYS SO STUPID MINIMALIST BITCH

I do appreciate that they finally flixed the reversed camera angle on this scene. It seems like for every good fix, there's a bad one to match it.

"Artoo-Detoo, you know better than to trust a strange computer."

"Father."
"Son, come with me."
Well, he seemed pretty accepting of it then... why did it surprise Vader in RotJ?

So, Vader is just talking to the air on the bridge of a military ship. I mean, I know no one's willing to go, "Hey, Vader, buddy... who are you talking to?" but...

So, you can apparently sabotage the hyperdrive by turning a knob too far to the left. After all, Artoo fixed it by turning said knob to the right.

I like the extra on the bridge... eyes fixed on his clipboard until Vader goes by, then he risks a passing glance. Meanwhile, Piett needs to change his jodhpurs.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING HAN'S CLOTHES, LANDO?

Awful lot of jocularity, since the Rebellion has been smashed and scattered, a dear friend (for Luke) and lover (for Leia) has been taken by the forces of evil and may never be seen again...

"Ah, that's better. Hey, Leia... want to help me break in the new digits?"

AH-HA! THERE IS AN AFT HATCH TO THE COCKPIT!

To think, that medical ship is a whole five meters shorter than the refitted Enterprise (and Constitution class in general).

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-27-13 12:16 PM EDT (US)     235 / 1641       
You know, as I watch Han gut an animal with full view of its entrails bursting forth, I realize that Revenge of the Sith, A New Hope, and Empire form a trilogy of their own. It's the "really not for kids" trilogy. Of course, ROTS still had baby-level storytelling...
And don't forget the first fifteen minutes of RotS, full of Obi-Wan thinking his funny and baby-talking super battle droids.
Now, the problem with the EU is they have the Rebels and Rogues in particular fighting AT-ATs well before this battle. But it's pretty clear this is the first time Luke tried the cable trick... even though, because it was in the movie, it's also the only way to kill them in the canonical games (in the first Rogue Squadron, at least, you could kill AT-ATs with blaster fire, but required hundreds of hits and took several minutes. And in all levels they appeared in, save one, AT-ATs applied strong time pressure to destroy them before they wiped out a mission-critical target).
The KND parody of this was absolutely beautiful.
You too, Star Trek.
DS9 did this...though I admit quite a bit of it happens off-screen. But then in "Tears of the Prophets" and its follow-up in "Images in the Sand," the Federation does get pretty well screwed--killing Jadzia and the Prophets aside. Of course, the Sisko comes back and saves the day again in the next episode...
That asteroid field is ridiculously dense. It's harder to hit asteroids for survey missions than it is to pass through its entire length unmolested.
I think that any time there's an asteroid field on screen in anything.
...So, the familiar thing is being watched, or... what? I mean, you're a kid from a desert planet. What the hell about a swamp is familiar to you?
Considering Tattooine's population density, feeling watched should be pretty unfamiliar too...Except I forgot that Tattooine's entire population exists in a 20 square kilometer area.
Damn, Palpy, you're chunky. How did you lose so much weight in a year? How many pantaloon sizes did you drop?
Like I said, after not aging a day in twenty-one years, he proceeds to age 500 years in the next year.
That said, I have no issue with touching up the glowing-eyed ape mask voiced by Clive Revill with the actor who would go on to play the character in the next film. I just wish they put in more effort with making him look like he does in the next film.
This.
"I can be a Jedi! See, I can smash my head open and die right here and now! I can die pointlessly just like Qui-Gon!"
Dying pointlessly is the Jedi and Starfleet Officer way.
Gee, good thing the temperature and pressure outside the ship is comparable to human norms. Otherwise the ship would decompress... they would experience severe physical discomfort... I mean, they're less thermally protected than on Hoth.
So what must that asteroid be made of to support ~1G and 1 atm?
Dammit, accents aren't genetic.
Lucas seems to think everything is genetic. Including whinyness.
UNLESS YOU'RE SETH GREEN
"No! No different! Only different in your mind! ...Size matters not!"
That has opened the floodgates on more heinously ridiculous bullshit the Expanded Universe than the coddling of your collective human teats--no, wait... well, anyway, it did open the doors to Luke casually Forcing around black holes and the entire The Force Unleashed project.
Yep.
"For my ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you, here... between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship."
Even being generous... the rock and ship are not alive.
Pocahontas disagrees with you because exaggerated Native American spirituality ftw! Not saying some tribes didn't believe rocks had spirits, just that Pocahontas and most other screen Native Americans *cough*Chakotay*cough* are turned into obsessive tree-hugging spiritists... Also, isn't it numinous?
Wow! Look at the angle that ISD flew by at! Three dimensional space!
Reminds me of DS9 where every time they show Empok Nor, the camera is slightly tilted...just to let you know it's abandoned.
"No, there is another."
But apparently, this DOESN'T refer to Leia? Or... it does... but then it doesn't when we need another superJedi to come out for a project. I dunno, Lucas Licensing has waffled on that point so many times that the line is meaningless.
Who did it refer to originally, since Leia was a last-minute decision in RotJ? Or was it just meant to be vague and applicable to anything they decided to pull out of their hats (or other places) at a later date?
...Or maybe it is. Oh, no, he's just trying to say "Han." Badly.
LEE-a and Hæn!
Senator (D-Naboo)
This is way more hilarious than it ought to be.
Prowse's gestures don't quite match the intensity of Jones' dialog... during the whole "join me" part. It gets better with "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side."
Agreed.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING HAN'S CLOTHES, LANDO?
"Oh, I found them in his closet, and he didn't seem to need them. Why?"
To think, that medical ship is a whole five meters shorter than the refitted Enterprise (and Constitution class in general).
I didn't realize Constitution-class ships were that big, tbh. My last viewing made me realize just how tiny the Enterprise-D is.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-27-13 12:37 PM EDT (US)     236 / 1641       
Also, isn't it numinous?
The subtitles and novelization rather firmly state "luminous."
The KND parody of this was absolutely beautiful.
Find video. Preferably that includes Jennifer Hale.
So what must that asteroid be made of to support ~1G and 1 atm?
Depends on how deep the slug monster is.
Reminds me of DS9 where every time they show Empok Nor, the camera is slightly tilted...just to let you know it's abandoned.
Yeah, but this had two ships in frame with nearly orthogonal vectors. Compared to, oh, Revenge of the Sith where even though the ships are layered, they don't bother shooting anything more than a hundred meters up or down.
Pocahontas disagrees with you because exaggerated Native American spirituality ftw!
And that's why I'm reviewing Star Wars movies and people don't even know what killed her. <_<

:p

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-27-13 12:43 PM EDT (US)     237 / 1641       
The subtitles and novelization rather firmly state "luminous."
Huh. I always heard "numinous"...even before I knew that was a word. I guess I'm expecting too much of George's vocabulary.
Find video. Preferably that includes Jennifer Hale.
Season 4, episode 10: "Operation: S.N.O.W.I.N.G." I'm pretty certain Numbuh 86 is in that episode, but if not Jennifer Hale is also the voice of the computer. It's available a number of places online, but since any of them will be of dubious legality I'm not sure if it's okay to link here.
And that's why I'm reviewing Star Wars movies and people don't even know what killed her. <_<
Pfft, Disney princesses don't die rather horrible deaths of smallpox!

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
deviantArt | New Campaign Coming Soon
"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

"Most forums derails into talking about memes. Here we derail into in-depth discussions about art. I like ours better."--jssf1992
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-27-13 01:37 PM EDT (US)     238 / 1641       
Working on RotJ now. Want to try to get it into the AoKH Splash Splash thread before it lapses.

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
"Moff's anime diatribes/photos are infinitely less annoying than legion's communism, so I don't complain." - Azzie, proving that cute girls driving tanks >> Left-wing ideology
Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo
Moff
(id: Moff Yittreas)
posted 10-27-13 04:24 PM EDT (US)     239 / 1641       
And now we cap off the series, laddies and lasses, fillies and gentlecolts, invited transgendered species, and Wesley... wherever you are.

We're off to a good start. I put the DVD in and see Ewoks being blasted by Imperial walkers. A fine start indeed!

"Little does Luke know that GALACTIC EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star."
...Begun? And they already have that much of it built despite it being nearly six times the diameter? DAYYYYYYYYYYUM! Imagine what they could churn out if they didn't dick around with superweapons. A superiority fleet in every star system. Hey, I guess that's another analogy between this movie and the end of the Mass Effect 3!

Once again, a Star Destroyer flies by. Hmm. Shuttle from the forward bay, fighters from the main. Thought it went the other way...

Now they have spacetroopers welding things.

Hey, this shot seems familiar... as if it were awkwardly crammed into the last film!

...Whoa, whoa. Is that a TIE Bomber parked next to Vader's shuttle? It's freaking huge! According to reference book blueprints, it's about 5.6 meters tall... a Lambda in landing configuration is over 22 meters tall.

Meet Moff Tiaan Jerjerrod... one of the last film characters to get a first name. Do you think that's Space Spelling for "Sean"?

This is the first SW movie I ever saw... da nostalgias, despite all of the holes I can blast in this film now.

Does nobody tell Threepio anything? Lando infiltrated and Chewie is part of some kind of Batman Gambit.

"Goodness gracious me!"
GREAT BAWLS O' FYAH!

Threepio sounds gleeful with "I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo!"

Oh, that's where they put in the Bomarr monks...

"De wanna wanga?"
...No, we don't want to see it. No, I'm sure it's quite lovely but it'd be just as well if you kept your pants on.

"De wanna wango."
...STOP ENCOURAGING HIM, THREEPIO

"De Jabba wanga?"
DEAR GOD NO PLEASE NOT THAT NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT

I CAN'T DO THIS! Where is my compilation of all songs from MLP from Seasons 1-3 and Equestria Girls?!

Oh, thank Celestia for Pinkie Pie. Okay... maybe I can do another couple minutes.

Is Artoo moody? What do you care? I'd be pretty moody too if I were surrounded by a bunch of hideous exhibitionists.

Ohhhh... good shitta. See? He smokes a hookah; must be evil!

R2's jabbering while starting the projector makes me think of a dial-up modem for some reason.

"Greetings, Exalted One." He's a damn crime boss! Though, I suppose "Wassup, mah hutt?" might not have left Jabba in a very friendly mood.

"I seek an audience with your greatness." Is that a fat joke?

Damn, Luke, that's cold.

"Artoo, look! Captain Solo! And he's still frozen in carbonite!" No shit! Ohh, the George is strong in this script...

"Yes or no will do."
Hehe. I know EV9D9 is supposed to be evil, but come on.

Huh. I just realized why the droid they show after "Disintegrated?!" looks so familiar. It's a 2-1B med droid with the mouth grille and hose removed.

...Oh God, this music makes me think of the intro to Roseanne... which was always a sign to bolt for the remote and change the channel to anything else.

Hey, let's have the cheery and upbeat musical number in the dark, smoky evil den! Because, as that lunatic we haven't heard from in a while said, "consistent tone is for pussies!"

Oh dear. There goes Jabba's wanga. But Oola said no... so there goes Oola.

Chewie, your hair is different!

Random shot of Boba Fett because he was popular by 1998!

Twenty-five thousand. Why, that's enough for two and a half ships! Or, if you'll recall the exchange rate I calculated for ANH, $1,041.67. What is this, a Western?

Yes, let's break up the scene to show Boba flirting with a dancer. Because... oh yeah.

Gotta give Jabba credit. Someone whips out a thermonuclear device as a bargaining chip, and he laughs and then officers them a deal.

Oh, that's where that "you picked up something" sound from Dark Forces II comes from.

Respectful nod from Boba. Maybe that's why he later tells Leia (when she's revealed) not worry about Jabba throwing him to her for "entertainment." No, wait, it was because--as Boba said--"sex between unmarried people is immortal." Well, so is rape, which is a more accurate description of what Jabba was going for.

DAMN YOU WIND CHIMES

Damn, that floor is FILTHY! His shirt was clean when he fell, now it's covered in green goo.

"Who are you?"
"Leia. I've been smoking a lot since you were captured."

Now the green shit is orange.

Now it's green-brown.. and back to orange. It changes in every damn cut back to Han and Leia!

"I can't bear to watch!"
Watch what? ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOMETHING UNTOWARD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO LEIA? WELL IT'S NOT! Despite her being stripped out of her armor and forced into an exploitative dancer costume... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED GOD DAMMIT! THIS IS LIGHT SCIENCE FANTASY FOR KIDS! Jabba may be a vile gangster who frequently raped his last dancer, but she wasn't a main cast member!

So, some people think Luke using Force Choke ™ on the Gamorreans means that Force abilities are neither good nor bad, dark nor light. Except, well, that's counterindicated by that whole "crushing someone's trachea with your mind is at least dickish"... and the fact that this scene was meant to show Luke has started to seriously flirt with the Dark Side. Hence his goth outfit (before the makeup became part of it).

Salacious Crumb is disturbingly fascinated by Jabba's tail.

Jabba is not a morning person.

I like how "Jedi mind trick" is totally untranslated. Even though, in the next line, Jabba shows the Hutts do have a word for "mind."

"TEENY JEDI! TEENY JEDI!" Well, maybe if you didn't eat so damn much...

Oh, the Rancor. Meh. Brutes are scarier in Mass Effect 3.

I remember reading something about Jabba pitting his rancor up against a bunch of other creatures. I think that story was written to explain where that large femur Luke attacked the rancor with came from.

Aww, you hurt its fingers.

Jabba's tail is a cut in it... though, given how Crumb went for it, it seemed more like he chewed the hole himself.

CRUSH

Leia laughs... then gets choked.

Did they attempt to wax the rancor keeper's chest? He has some odd patches of hairlessness...

Now Han's shirt is clean again. Prisoners get their laundry done, I guess.

All-Powerful Sarlacc, eh? Seems like something a stray turbolaser bolt could solve. Of course, since it appeared in films, it does gain massive plot armor and character shielding.

"That's the last mistake you'll ever make!" Yeah, that's more of that "Luke is actually playing pretty dark right now." Jedi aren't supposed to make death threats. They just decapitate you without trial on the grounds you might be dangerous or the trial won't go their way.

Nice root beer you've got there, Jabba.

"Sometimes a cigar is just a giant tooth-filled vagina in the desert that swallows men whole." No, wait... it's okay now because we added a giant phallic beak!

Nod to Lando... nod to Artoo... salute...

Jeez Luke... kinda stood there a while waiting for that saber. Good thing no one swung an axe at you while you were waiting.

Chewie got shot.

"Hey, remember this cool character you guys liked so much? LET'S TAKE HIM DOWN LIKE A COMPLETE TWAT!" Of course, the EU will bring him back.

"CHOKEY... HARDER... LEIA. WANGA... LIKEY!"

CHOP

"URRGH TOO MUCH WANGA LIKEY!"

Amazing how none of these guys Luke attacks have had their arms, legs, heads, or torsos go flying off. Like Ponda Baba, the wampa, Luke in the last film, Darth Maul, numerous Tusken raiders, the members of the Separatist Council, Anakin, Count Dooku...

Periscope up... gee, I hope that magnetic near their droid brains doesn't lead to any problems.

"I have a promise to keep, to an old friend."
Well, your old friend went from being fairly healthy and capable of dispensing wisdom... to knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door in less than a year. Damn, Yoda. We didn't even know you were sick.

Notice how many TIE Fighters the Emperor gets for his arrival? And a custom paint job on the shuttle: a streak of slightly darker gray up the fuselage!

"Rise, my friend."
"Where's Padme? Is she safe?"
"WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THAT?!"

Now, this is before the whole "Rule of Two" thing was established. So, the idea of multiple evil knights serving Palpy was fine. But now that the PT came out... uh, Vader's playing Russian Roulette. With a Derringer.

"Look I so old to young eyes?"
"Seriously, man. What the hell happened? You look like shit."
"LIKE SHIT YOU LOOK, MOTHERF**KER. See if smothered in honies you are when 900 years old you reach! Oh, sorry I am! Live that long your puny species does not!"

"Master Yoda, you can't die."
Yes, he can.

"Twilight is upon me."
Oh God... no wonder he's dying if he saw that pile of shit series.

"That is the way of things. The way of the Force."
...Death? Death is the way of the Force?

"No more training do you require."
"Then I am a Jedi."
"Nah, you gotta off the guy Obi-Wan couldn't finish the job with."

They had to put in the part where Luke asks Yoda because the audience refused to believe Vader was telling the truth. I'd forgotten that while reviewing ESB.

"Luke... Luke... do not... do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor, or suffer your father's fate, you will. Can shoot lightning out of his fingers, he can! Your lightsaber, block it, it will!"

For many years, I thought Yoda was just saying, "There is another sky..." I don't think it was until I was well into my twenties I could make out, "...walker."

And poof! Something else that spawned a lot of EU screwups.

"Obi-Wan!" Why not "Ben"?

"So, what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
You used incestuous lust to recruit a wide-eyed young kid into your religious war and lied to him so he would murder the father he had always wished to know. So Ben, or Obi-Wan, get f**ked.

"That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous."
"Leia!"
"Well, maybe not so safely."

Also, Luke's expressions while he processes that Leia is his sister... canon may insist there were no Lannisterian shenanigans, but the actors seemed to believe it.

Why in the hell is there a medical droid at the strategic briefing? Expecting heart attacks?

ACKBAR

Interesting plan. Any contingencies? Backups?

So, you need a strike team to hit the ground, break through Imperial lines, and take control of a major ground objective. Doing so will allow an element of the spaceborne forces to wipe out the enemy forces once and for all. Anyone else hearing Lance Henriksen over Tim Rose? Hmmm?

"What is it?"
"Ask me again sometime."
...Damn, Luke. Well, no more South Passage for you... of course, you know you shouldn't anyway. But then... "I've always known."

The Falcon must've gotten some massive plot armor upgrades and other powers to carry the additional weight. "You need all the help you can get; she's the fastest ship in the fleet."
Um, she's been run down by the standard Imperial warship on three occasions now. So, I really hope that's just hyperbole... of course, since we later see it running down TIE Interceptors--which are faster than TIE Fighters, which are faster than X-Wings--they must've boosted the engines to carry that plot armor and character shielding.

"I got your promise, not a scratch?"
You're gonna need to call DirecTV and get a new dish.

I've tried building the Emperor's Tower for space stations in Kerbal Space Program. It's been... dicey.

So, even Vader isn't fully in on the scheme to take down the Rebels. Damn. Now that's compartmentalization.

"Please identify." Imperial officers are always so polite in a restricted area. That's nice of them.

"Don't get jittery, Luke."
Did you see him in the first one? He dances like Tali after she slurps a Red Bull (dextro, of course) through the emergency induction port!

"Let keep a little optimism."
*cut to the tiny shuttle up against the command tower with the tonnage of a heavy cruiser, with the moon-sized Giant Hurt Ball in the background*

Hmm. Your gleaming white shuttlecraft blends in so well with the forest!

"Hey, it's me! The guy was blind a little while ago!"

Another moment that makes me smile... Han Solo, elite commando, steps on a stick and gets bitch-slapped by a scout trooper. You won't see that in the EU novels.

But why did the scout squeak when he was all judo-flipped?

Luke, no one likes a backseat driver.

So, the trooper gets shoved off... and somehow hits the tree upside down. BECAUSE KOMEDY

Wow! Luke's bike took a direct laser hit! The no-name mook, however, took one hit and wiped out! And more interestingly, the scout pulls his pistol and wings Leia's speeder... which also knocks her off and wrecks the bike. Followed more KOMEDY as the triumphant trooper slams into a tree.

Was the slide whistle really necessary on the spinning bike? God dammit, George.

Err. My DVD is apparently damaged in the part where Luke comes back, so I have to skip to Wicket meeting Leia. And so begins Star Wars: Episode VI.V: The Quest for More Money.

"I promise I won't hurt you. In fact, I want to do just the opposite... so soft and fuzzy... warm and cuddly... oh yes..."

"Your popcorn tastes like shit, lady--HOLY CRAP YOU JUST REMOVED THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD! I HAVE NO CONCEPT OF HEADGEAR EVEN THOUGH I'M WEARING A HOOD AND IT'S LATER ESTABLISHED THAT HEADGEAR IS A MAJOR PART OF EWOK SOCIETY!"

He smells something suspicious. Poke your head up higher, Leia!

Aww, ya missed. Now, are we to believe those are potshots with those little pistols?

And scratch another bike. How many did this garrison have?

I so want Palpatine's chair.

"My son is with them."
"Are you sure?"
"I have felt him, my master."
Well, that's... awkward, but I suppose--

"Strange that I have not."
NOT HELPING, PALPY. Though, I suppose since sexual predators are the new acceptable targets these days, Episode VII's villain will probably be a child molestor or rapist or something.

"I have forseen it."
And so a catchphrase is born.

Nice jackboots, Luke. Maybe I should reshine mine...

Well, glad the smell of rotting meat in the sun can lift Chewie's mood from depressed and worried to gleeful.

"I don't get it; it's just a dead animal."
"Great, Chewie! Always thinkin' with your stomach!"
That is some PT-grade position reversal!

FURRIES
FURRIES EVERYWHERE
RUUUUUUUUUUUN

omg luke its not a crossbow its a BOWCASTER[/nasal nerd voice]

Get it? They're primitive so they're worship anything shiny... just like the Native Americans George saw in movies when he was growing up!

Hamill shows he's a pretty good actor with that wry smirk and stifled laughter... followed by sudden horror at Han's turn to violence. Shame was he typecast to where he can never act in front of a screen... just behind a microphone. Oh well, the Silver Screen's loss is animation's gain, Batsy!

You should have a bad feeling about it, Han. They're cannibals.

I love the Ewok work song as they pile kindling under Han.

Now, why didn't they eat Leia? Or do they only eat people when they find shiny new gods?

BURN HIM BURN HIM NOW! PUNISH HIM FOR HIS PHONED-IN PERFORMANCE

Crotch-shock!

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a storyteller..."
*recruits a bunch of Ewoks to be cannon fodder for Imperial guns*
See? This is a character arc! Remember those, George?

"Short help's better than no help at all."

"Hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day!" Troll level: Xzy. Or a twelve-year old on Counterstrike.

"Leia. Do you remember your mother? Your real mother?"
"Just a little bit. She died when I was very young."
I suppose forty-five seconds out of the birth canal qualifies as "very young."

"She was very beautiful. Kind. But sad."
Eh, she was okay. Her kindness included drafting a species that had always had tense relations with her people into being cannon fodder, being more than willing to let the Jedi get stretched thin and take serious casualties, being a ruthless cocktease... But I'll grant you the sad. In fact, so sad, that her children were not worth living for!
I guess that's not actually very kind, either.

"I have no memory of my mother."
You're lucky, Luke. The rest of us are forced to remember.

"I have to face him..."
"Why?"
*Leia almost vomits* "I DID WHAT WITH DARTH VADER'S SPAWN?!"
"It gets worse... uh, you're my sister."
"I know... somehow, I've always known."
"...YOU KNEW?! WHAT THE HELL, WOMAN?!"

The actors are good... but the dialog is so... awful. This is a taste of the PT; we should've known. Dammit, we should have known! Instead we showered Lucas with praise and adulation, told him he could do no wrong... and he believed the mob.

Easy on the jealousy, Han... you're turning green over cockblocked by a fraternal twin.

"Hold me."
...SON OF A BITCH, PADME RIPPED THAT OFF TOO
F**k your poetry George.

All of those Imperials have names now. The officer is Igar; I can't be bothered to check the Stormtroopers.

"That name no longer has any meaning for me! I don't want to think about those movies."

"That's why you won't destroy me. And that's why you won't bring me to the Emperor now."
*Vader ignites Luke's lightsaber just behind his back*
"...We can talk about this, though... Father."

"Search your feelings, Father."
"Hey, kid. That's my shtick. First Palpatine tries to steal it, now you?"

Prowse has gotten very good at showing emotion despite not having facial expressions.

Ah, this is where the original alternate Endor began... when there was nearly a damned hour of film left.

Yeah, Lando... I'm afraid Admiral Anderson has been having a harder time of it--err, sorry. The shield's not gonna be down, at any rate.

"Backdoor, huh? Good idea."
"NOW, Han? ...Can the Ewoks watch?"

"Our furry companion has gone and done something rather rash."
See? It's even G-canon that Ewoks are furries.

Yes, bring the shiny golden robot through the forest near the Imperial base. Brilliant plan.

Hey, look! They speeder took a direct laser hit and once again, it just spins around instead of exploding or hurling the Ewok to his death... those character shields can even repel the fire of up to four dreadnoughts simultaneously!

Yep, even those Royal Guards have names.

Uh-oh... the first hint that Palpatine has some magic of his own.

"Soon I'll be dead, and you with me."
Hmph.

"It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them!" And by legion, you mean... fifty guys.

"Artoo! Stay with me! I need your love."

Why did no one shoot Han for killing Colonel Dyer (guy he hit with the box and sent over the railing)? Eh, I guess the midichlorians jammed their guns.

And Lando soils his exquisitely-tailored trousers.

IT'S A T... IRED MEME!!!

Remember when three or four TIEs were a mortal danger to the Falcon? Now it's just window dressing!

Jeez, Palpy... give him a second to think about it instead of chaining all of your lines together into a breathless monologue.

YUBYUB AKBAR

Dontcha love the wet crunching noises as they bludgeon men to death? Isn't that just adorably cute?

Imperial discipline seems a bit lax.

More squeaking noises? Also, don't you like how the bullet-proof, vacuum-sealed armor easily fractures under stone axes wielded by little people in fur suits?

EWOK KOMEDY!

R2, we need a l33t haxxor!

FIRE THE STONE CATAPULTS!

Oh, hey, armor that actually works for once! Holy shit! And yet it somehow won't stop trees. Because trees are harder than rocks.

Oh no! Not the medical frigate! That was in the last movie! We need to save it!

"Your friends have failed... none of them got to The Conduit."

Do we need it stated that the blast came from the Death Star? We just saw it. Don't tell the audience what they already know.

Aww, look at the adorable slow bludgeoning to death! Makes you want to buy some toys, doesn't it?

Holy crap! A Stormtrooper was actually precise!

Ah, the oh-so-tragic scene where the two Ewoks are running and knocked down by a laser blast... but only one gets back up. The dead one is currently named "Corpsey." And I'm not making that up in the least.

Wow! We just saw the first black and Asian fighter pilots in SW... and then they died. Because only the white ones get to live.

Nice blocking, Vader. But if he had killed, Palpatine... wouldn't that make you in charge? Or do you have to kill him to take charge and don't want to take orders from your kid?

Ha! The Imperial pilots death cries are so funny and he's held down and beaten! KOMEDY!

Ha, they knocked the scout off his bike with a rope! Isn't it adorable that they snapped his neck and killed him instantly?

"All-Terran Scout Transport... all except logs."

Chicks with guns can do it for me too, Han... sometimes.

"Stay back." What's that going to do if it were hostile and filled that alcove with plasma?

Vader is somehow panting. Even though most of his body is mechanic and needs neither blood nor oxygen... maybe he's thinking really, really hard?

SAY HAN RIGHT, LANDO

Gee. Good thing that commander doesn't know any of the officers by face... or require an operating number on the report, like "This is SC-421 reporting... the Rebels have been routed." Nope, just grab a walkie-talkie and say "We're winning! Send more people!"

I... can't nitpick Vader's taunting and the following duel. The music sends chills up and down my spine. I could comment on Luke's grunts and snarls... but it adds a humanity that all of the flashier duels of the prequels lack. This shall always be the ultimate lightsaber battle to me... unless Episode VII manages to top it.

Also, you can tell the railing Luke cut is rubber from its bounce and droop.

"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side."
LUKE! That weapon is your life!

So, blow up the control room... and the entire shield dish vaporizes in a blast that probably dwarfs early nuclear bombs...

OH SHIT LIGHTNINGHANDS
"Yoda! Why didn't you say anything about this specifically?"
"Mmm, forgot I did. My bad!"

"You will pay the price for your lack of vision."
As someone who wears glasses, I take offense to that, Palpy.

Well, look at it this way, Luke... you're holding out a lot better than Samuel L. Jedi! You took that lightning like a pro, while he got roasted in a couple seconds. Must be your midichlorians. Or mini-Deloreans.

Wow! Surface guns with an improved rate of fire and accuracy against starfighters! Too bad their plot armor was of the hardened variety instead of "warp shots aroudn" variety.

Haha, that TIE Pilot crashed. IZ KOMEDY!

Goodbye, Jeff Foxworthy. Nobody likes you, anyway.

So, that A-Wing is shot while skimming the surface of the Executor... then barrels into the bridge from high and to the left. Errr...

"DIE, DICKHEADS!" Yep, everyone do the victory dance while a third of a million men and women are consumed by flame. HEROES!

Anakin used to have eyebrows. They were photoshopped out to match the injuries in ROTS. Because, rather than make that match the movie that's already made... well... True Vision™ and all that.

Whoops! Someone activated the Crucible! And they picked Red!

And another stupid planar shock ring... and that one was flatly equatorial. At least in ANH it was angled and nearly polar in its orientation.

Hey, I guess that stuff about blasters cauterizing wounds is BS. Did you see the bloody bandages over hole in Leia's arm? Why is that arm still attached, by the way, give the size of the hole compared to the size of her arm?

Han kisses Leia... Wicket dances and pats him on the back. "Keep going, I want to watch! I know she likes being watched!"

I wonder how many people saw Luke dragging the corpse of the Emperor's right hand man to a clearing...?

"WESA FREEEEE!"

Crowdsurfing Stormtrooper! Hey, see that celebrating crowd? As soon as the camera pans away... a division of Stormtroopers goes Kent State on it.

Aww, he's playing drums on Imperial helmets. Do you think they removed the heads from inside first?

And hey, what's a party with a barbecue? What's on the menu, you ask? Well, remember earlier when Luke and Han were going to be roasted...?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN SHOULD NOT BE THERE

Life on Endor shimmers
Life on Endor shines
And I know for absolute certain
That everything
Yes everything
Yes everything
Is going to
Be fiiiiiiiiine!
It's fine!
Yes, everything's gonna be just fine!

What's that? Dinosaur people whose ships run on forcibly-taken souls are invading? Oh...

New RPG Coming Soon | Purveyor of the Poi | Weeaboo Brony Conserative - The Ultimate Foe to the Internet
Lord Sipia: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SIPPY IS EXCLUDED! EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR SANITY" | Also Lord Sipia: "...Of course. Prepare the butter."
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Emissary of the Prophets
Clone Trooper
(id: Admiral Zaarin)
posted 10-27-13 04:59 PM EDT (US)     240 / 1641       
This is the first SW movie I ever saw...
Funny, me too.
Salacious Crumb is disturbingly fascinated by Jabba's tail.
He is well named.
Also, Luke's expressions while he processes that Leia is his sister... canon may insist there were no Lannisterian shenanigans, but the actors seemed to believe it.
Both certainly seem adequately horrified.
Get it? They're primitive so they're worship anything shiny... just like the Native Americans George saw in movies when he was growing up!
It's always pleasing to know that as horribly stereotyped as Star Trek has portrayed them, Star Wars has been far worse--between the Ewoks and the Tusken Raiders.
Hamill shows he's a pretty good actor with that wry smirk and stifled laughter... followed by sudden horror at Han's turn to violence. Shame was he typecast to where he can never act in front of a screen... just behind a microphone. Oh well, the Silver Screen's loss is animation's gain, Batsy!
And now, lassy, Stickybeard will be takin' yer candy!
Now, why didn't they eat Leia? Or do they only eat people when they find shiny new gods?
Because obviously an attractive white woman finds sympathy while two brown men--oh, sorry, wrong franchise.
"Leia. Do you remember your mother? Your real mother?"
"Just a little bit. She died when I was very young."
I suppose forty-five seconds out of the birth canal qualifies as "very young."
Lucas has no time concept.
"I have no memory of my mother."
You're lucky, Luke. The rest of us are forced to remember.
"That name no longer has any meaning for me! I don't want to think about those movies."
Surprisingly, the PT makes Vader so much easier to sympathize with.
The dead one is currently named "Corpsey."
Well that is in no way macabre.
This shall always be the ultimate lightsaber battle to me...
Agreed.

Zaarin | Creator of Coruscant Life SE
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"But if of ships I now should sing, what ship would come to me,
What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”

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